Truths & Disasters – My Life

Hello, my dear readers. It has been a while. I have absolutely no idea how to start this. My life has been crazy ugh. Well, that’s actually not the word I’d use. There is no word for my life right now.

Hard. Difficult. Exhausting. Demanding. Heavy. Unreal. Scary.

But with these words, comes strength.

As most of you may have noticed, I have not been around much since the beginning of the year. This post will explain why. It’s story time, y’all!

2017 has been, by far, the shittiest year I have experienced in my twenty-seven years. It started with an uncertainty that I tried to brush off.

Oh, how I tried.

November 2016. I went to the doctor for an annual blood test. Pretty routine, right?


My white blood cell count was up. But I had been pretty sick. The cold, then the flu, then caught a cold again. *Damn kids and their germs!! HAHA. It was going around at school.* Your white blood cells creep up when they are fighting an infection. So no biggie. The doctor told me to wait a month and go back in for another test.

December 2016, after Christmas. I went in for another blood test. This time, the white blood count was higher than November’s. I was referred to a hematologist who would do more specialized tests. Little did I know… The referral my doctor gave me was to a Cancer Center. Yep. You read that right. No word from my doctor as to why, just that I needed a specialist.

January 2017. I went into the Cancer Center and met with a doctor. It was going to be one of two things: I needed to quit smoking or I had leukemia. So on January 25th, 2017, I had my last cigarette. The uncertainty of it was that the doctor had no clue what was wrong with me. I had to wait. And let me tell you. Waiting is NOT something I am good at.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Sidebar time! I’m not going to lie. I was scared shitless. I can’t even tell you how many emotions ran through me. A few nights later, I had my first full-blown panic attack. Oh man, those are not fun at all. I kept freaking out and then I’d calm down a little, only to freak out again. The cycle went on and on for what seemed like hours. So many thoughts were running through my head. There was no way I could have cancer, right? No way. Had my smoking finally caught up with me? Was I being punished for something? It’s no secret I have a past. I just could not break this thing. I was so worried and stressed. I felt broken and freaked out. Sorrow seeped in, determined to cut me in half.

Fuck. Waiting really sucks.

February. Another blood test happens. I had been smoke-free for two weeks. TWO WEEKS GUYS! This was something awesome considering I had been smoking for 10+ years (and tried to quit numerous times, never making it past a day). The doctor was so proud of me! I was so proud of me. My white count was still high, but he ran the specialized test to look at each type of white cells. Yes, there is more than one type. The cells that cause leukemia were high, but it would be highly unusual for me to have it. So we ruled that out, almost completely (but not really – still a small possibility) THANK GOD. I was given orders to not smoke and come back in a month.

Still waiting. Again.

March. Same thing happened. Another blood test. Mind you, this whole time, I have been wanting a damn cigarette because I am so freaking stressed. And I have bad anxiety. But I didn’t. The blood test showed basically the same thing. The white count was still high, but it did go down a little bit. Now, we wait again. Still, Kendra, do not smoke. Repeat after me: DO NOT SMOKE. And damn, my withdrawal symptoms were something fierce. Yep, symptoms after a month and a half. Grah.

I think the headaches were the worst, besides the restlessness. I could deal with the cravings. I could deal with the need to smoke, the want of the feeling of nicotine going into my system. I could deal. But those damn headaches. I was terrible. I felt terrible. I was constantly grouchy and anxious. For weeks! I couldn’t sleep. I could eat though (damn it. I had just lost some weight. Welp. I gained it back). Headaches. Those things are damn horrible!

March 30th. Late evening, Chris took his father to the ER. My father-in-law was admitted to the hospital with severe jaundice, among other things.

*Now, y’all know that Chris and I aren’t married. But I have been a part of their family for so long now, his parents consider me their daughter-in-law. Kevin always told me that. And I consider them to be my in-laws. So they are. We don’t need a piece of paper.*

After some tests, we discover he needs blood transfusions. Days and days go by. He’s still in the hospital but has been moved to the ICU, where he is put on a ventilator for a few days, pending a bone marrow biopsy and a liver biopsy. Out of respect for my family, I am not going to go into much detail. He did get off the ventilator, and the story does not end there. April had no significance because 95% of the month was spent at the hospital, and traveling to and from.

However, now, Kevin’s story has come to an end. On May 24th, after two months in the hospital, but after years of pain and suffering, my father-in-law passed away. This has been an extremely difficult time for my family. We have barely begun to feel the aftermath of this disaster. My heart hurts so fucking much. My son hardly understands that Grandpa won’t be coming home ever again. If anything, that makes my heart hurt even more. We’re doing the best we can.

On May 31st, I went to the doctor for another blood test. Thankfully, I am happy to say my white blood cell counts were within the normal range. They are on the high end of normal, but at least the number isn’t red anymore. The doctor said, “Black is perfect. We want black numbers.” My heart fluttered. I was super excited. It is still something that needs to be watched so I will be back in November for another test. The way he explained the normal was averages. The normal range is taken as an average of tons of people. With any type of average, there is always a low number and always a high number. I just happen to be on the high side, which could be totally normal for me. We shall see.

Positive note — on June 25th, I will be smoke-free for FIVE FREAKING MONTHS!!! I think I deserve a medal or something.

Y’all. I know this was a pretty heavy post. I do apologize. I figured y’all would be curious as to what was going on (especially with all the blitz posts lately). I missed my 2nd Blogiversary post. I had something special planned too… Maybe I’ll do it to celebrate my coming back. Which I hope will be soon. Very soon. And I missed my Birthday post of past books. Grah! I’ve missed all of you too. Thanks for sticking around!

AND I’m sorry if I missed any reviews I was supposed to write and books I was supposed to read.

I have been in a major reading slump. I had a great January, which led me to be ahead in my Goodreads Challenge. I’m behind in pretty much everything else. (I’ve read like 4 books since late February.) And at this point, I’m seriously debating on two things: who cares or should I get back into the swing of things? Really, it could go either way.

I’m hanging in between the two. I’m still debating on going self-hosted. I even have a new layout planned in the works. New layout, new graphics, new everything guys. I am actually pretty excited about it. I’m taking a break from school right now, so *cross your fingers* I will have more free time to read and blog and whatnot. Let’s see what the next month or so holds for me. Again, thank you all for sticking around. I know you guys don’t have to. I love you!

All I ask right now is that you guys keep me in your thoughts and prayers. And have a little extra patience with me. I love blogging and I don’t have plans to give it up completely! <3 You guys are the best!!!


Currently | March

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  1. I am so sorry for your loss Kendra!! I will definitely keep Uluru and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

    I am so happy that you have been cigarette free for 5 months that is so amazing!! And I am glad you white blood cell count finally went down. I hope things start looking up for you and your family.

  2. Shoot. I’m sorry to hear all of this. I hope the second half of 2017 is better for you. I completely understand how you probably felt walking into that cancer consult without knowing it was one. I went into a surgery consult this year without knowing. It freaks you out big time. I commend you on your willingness to give up smoking and hope it gets easier as time goes on.

  3. Avatar Cathi says:

    You are strong and beautiful and I love you!

  4. Avatar jeanniezelos says:

    Scary and bad time for you Kendra.
    The Cancer diagnosis, or hint of it, sends us into freeflow mentally, and having to give up a habit you’ve had for years right then must have been really hard. Of all the times you need a ciggie its then! Well done for keeping it up, and in the long run you’ll be so much better for it.
    I was diagnosed with cancer at 36, spent my 37th birthday in hospital after having had my left leg amputated. Before that I was like everyone else, on the life treadmill, working, sleeping, eating with breaks for fun stuff. I had three teens, full time job, bought my life long dream of a horse two years before so weekends I’d be out riding ( in between quick housework blitzes) and all that changed. ( though the horse stayed and i did get back to riding, somewhat dangerously and eventfully!)

    Its only when you’ve had that diagnosis or scare of it that you start to think “what am I doing? what’s life all about” and its natural you’re feeling strange, got a reprieve from the big C but the stress of waiting is so much harder than we ever imagine, and on top of that you’ve had the family death.
    Two huge life events in one and mentally you need to take time for yourself and decide whats important to you and your family.
    Things like that impact on the whole family, and it takes time to build back that happy little unit you had once more. Did you know 25% marriages/relationships fail after a cancer diagnosis? Its the stress I reckon, the unknowing what the future holds. Thankfully my husband was great, never made me feel less that, even after the amputation. You had all that stress but held it together so give yourself and your other half a big pat for that, its tough on both of you. focus on the good things you have, the strength you can give each other, your son, your mum in law, think about all that makes your life Yours and celebrate it.

    and I’ve rambled far too much for a Monday morning but your post touched me and I just wanted to say keep at it – there’s lots of fun in life still to come, and well done for staying so strong over the smoking. ( thankfully something I never did, just couldn’t puff without coughing and choking when i tried at 14, out me off ever since!)

  5. Avatar readsandblogs says:

    You are stronger than you know!

  6. Avatar Sarah @ A Weebish Book Blog says:

    Blogging comes in last place when it comes to family and illness. So glad to hear that your white counts are within normal range and HOLY COW CONGRATS ON 5 MONTHS SMOKE FREE! What a feat. So sorry to hear about your father-in-law. You and your family will be in my thoughts. <3

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